Pros & Cons of Using Family Members as Sitters

Grandparents are GREAT with kids -- just make sure everyone's comfortable with the child care arrangement.

If you're one of the fortunate parents who live near family, we don't have to tell you about the blessings (and challenges) of living in such proximity. However, when it comes to babysitting, parents everywhere -- especially working parents -- are more than willing to put up with just about anything to get reliable, free child care.

We're not here to tell you that you should or shouldn't use a family member as a babysitter. Situations are so different and people are so diverse that it's impossible to make such a firm statement one way or the other. So as you read through think about what you're willing to manage and what would work best for you.

PROS OF USING FAMILY MEMBERS AS CAREGIVERS

• Free care.
  If your relative has refused to accept any money, as many will, then you've got one of the most motivating benefits -- free child care. That's what family's for, you may think. Why would they charge me instead of just help out? You're probably right, but because using a family member as a caregiver is such a delicate situation -- you don't want the relative to feel taken advantage of -- you may want to offer to pay whatever you can afford.
• Comfort.
  Not having to build a relationship from the beginning will do wonders to ease your mind about the parent-caregiver relationship. You probably already know the strengths and weaknesses of your sister, how your uncle would handle an emergency and the vast amount of patience your cousin has, even when she's being pulled in four different directions with a child on every limb. Understanding your relatives' nuances and personalities ensures that you'll have one less thing to worry about while you're out of the house.
• Built-in trust.
  It goes without saying that if you ask a family member to care for your child, you trust that person. After all, if you do understand their nuances and you still have all the faith in the world that they're more than capable of handling your little ones, you're already several steps ahead of parents who aren't yet comfortable with their babysitters. And when you're not worrying about what's happening while you're gone, you're much more focused on what you're supposed to be doing, whether it's as important as a big presentation to the CEO or as relaxing as getting a mani/pedi.
• Bonding between the relative and child.
  By asking a family member to babysit, you're also offering both the caregiver and child a unique opportunity to strengthen their bond and grow much closer than they would if they just saw each other at, say, then annual family reunion. This is by far the most precious, incalculable aspect of leaving your child with a relative.

CONS OF USING FAMILY MEMBERS AS CAREGIVERS

• Lack of control.
  If you don't have the exchange of money, there isn't anything tangible to control the relationship, which many parents find unnerving. Without the issue of payment, the balance of power can be, well, unbalanced. On the contrary, when you pay a non-family babysitter, she understands that you are the employer and she is the employee. The absence of money can make it more difficult for the family member to see herself as working for you. It certainly makes both the parents and caregiver-relative more vulnerable to disagreements and power struggles.
• Generational differences in parenting philosophies.
  If you're considering one of your parents, grandparents or in-laws to be the babysitter, be aware that the way these older generations parented may differ dramatically from yours. For example, many older relatives are used to seeing chubbier babies than are moms today, which means that they may overfeed your little one against your vegan-only, raw foods-friendly diet. Certain practices, discipline tactics and general parenting philosophies that you consider dated (or horrifying!) may still be totally acceptable to older generations, leading to criticism and inevitable conflicts that can sour the caregiving relationship.
• Lack of energy.
  When you hire an older family member to sit for your kids, you should make sure to consider what she can and cannot handle. "I used my mother and father to sit for my first two children," says mom Cindy. "It was wonderful when they were young, but as they got older, I switched to babysitters because my folks had a hard time keeping up." Parents or relatives that are older might have a difficult time with late-night feedings, rough playtimes and strict schedules.
• Clashes and conflict.
  Since you already have such a close bond with a family member, she may be more comfortable challenging your parenting philosophies – especially if she's already raised children of her own. You may find your concerns brushed aside, your requests not honored and your values questioned simply because the family member believes that she knows better than you. After all, she's more experienced and raised her own children just fine, remember? "I blew up at my daughter once when she asked me to use a certain kind of diaper," states Illinois grandma Karen. "I was thinking: I raised you! I'm watching your kids for free! And you're giving me orders?"
• Resentment.
  At some point, you'll probably find yourself in the awkward situation where you have to tell this relative how you'd like her to change the way she cares for your child. This is a very difficult, delicate conversation to have, since it is likely to disrupt the current dynamic of your relationship with the relative. And this, unfortunately, can create mounds of resentment: The relative will resent being told that her current methods aren't cutting it, and you'll resent being in the position of having to bring up such a touchy subject... and, depending on how the relative reacts, you may walk away from the conversation with even more resentment than you started with. An entirely different aspect of resentment is that the family member may start to resent her lack of freedom.
• Lack of babysitter training.
  Clearly, whichever relative you ask to babysit is somehow qualified to care for your child. However, family members are far less likely to have up-to-date, specific babysitter training, such as CPR and first aid. These emergency safety measures are extremely important, not just in case something happens, but also to provide you with peace of mind while you're gone. Aunt Felicia may know how to sing the most soothing lullaby to lull your 6-month-old to sleep, but is she familiar with infant CPR?
• Risk of family gossip.
  Even if you think that your brother-in-law is nothing like a gossipy teenager, there's bound to be family chatter about your situation. What starts out as innocent small talk -- "Hey, John, how are things over at Stacey's?" -- could quickly transform into a complete dissection of not only your parenting philosophies, but your treatment of your brother-in-law in general, which he may not view quite so favorably as he lets on.

If you choose to have a family member act as your caregiver, the articles in our library can still help you, even though you don't have a "babysitter" in the traditional sense of the word. Here are a few that you might want to check out: