Dear Genevieve: Is Bribery Bad?
Dear Genevieve: I’m a nanny to one adorable but stubborn 3-year-old, and I find myself resorting to bribes to get her to do things, like getting her into her PJs without a meltdown. Is that terrible? ~Monica
Hi Monica,
We’ve all resorted to a bribe here or there — sometimes it can seem like the only option for getting a moment of peace!
Of course, experts say that we shouldn’t rely on bribes because it teaches children to depend on rewards in order to cooperate. Understandable.
But first, let’s also understand the difference between a bribe and a reward. The difference between a bribe and a reward is all in the timing. When do you offer her a treat? Before she’s done what you want? That’s a bribe. But offering her a reward after she’s behaved is a reward. (Splitting hairs? Maybe.)
Whenever possible, opt for a reward over a bribe. This way, you’re still in control of the situation and the child is not rewarded if she does not comply. You’re not giving her something for nothing, and she’ll notice. Bad behavior is never rewarded. She’s got to earn it.
Another thing to take into account is what’s expected of the child. I believe that we shouldn’t be bribing children for day-to-day behavior that is expected of them, but providing an occasional incentive outside of that is actually okay.
For example, if you have to bring your charge to the doctor one afternoon, you can’t reasonably expect her to jump for joy and sprint out the door. She’s a kid, and she might be filled with fright, dread or both (I know I am sometimes!). So, it’s not the end of the world to offer her a reward for good behavior here.
In your case, you may also want try “natural consequences.” Next time your charge fusses about her PJs, tell her, “If we don’t get you into your PJs now, we won’t have time to read your favorite book.” It’s not a threat — it’s a fact. Better yet, it’s a motivational fact. And it works. 
Above all, voice your concerns to the child’s mother. She may have her own solutions and ideas she wants you to implement, and it’s always a good idea to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck!
~Genevieve
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