The Nanny-Parent Dynamic
In light of the last blog about a sitter who shared her personal blog with her employer (and then got fired), we thought this was a good time to post about the nanny-parent relationship. The Wall Street Journal’s awesome blog cited a survey that reinforced the idea that the nanny-parent relationship can exceed the personal boundaries of a “regular” employee-manager dynamic. It then asked its readers to comment on their own nanny relationships. Here were some of the responses…
This is a huge reason why I prefer using a daycare. My relationship with the teachers (and yes, they are teachers) is on a professional level. We had a nanny for about 9 months, and it ooked me out. It was just too personal for me. I didn’t like the nanny being a part of our homelife. There was nothing wrong with her — she was a wonderful older lady, and she now works for a family down the street. I just didn’t like the blurring of personal and professional.
===== Our nanny is great (we have had her for 3 months), and I don’t mind that she feels more like family — the giving is usually on her end, even! She buys our daughter clothes at the thrift store all the time, picks up zwieback toast at her local store, and bought my husband some dessert bread, for example. We plan to give her extras (bonus etc) from time to time since she is so generous to us and baby. The only time it is too much is when she talks to us non-stop while we are trying to work at home!
===== Try having an au pair. It’s a lot like having a 20 year old daughter — they are far from home, and living with you when the inevitable crises (financial, emotional, physical, etc.) occur. Fortunately, I would be happy to have my current au pair as a daughter. Let’s just hope I feel the same way about the next one.
===== This was a big problem for us when we had a nanny. She had a lot of personal medical and family issues as well as very poor financial situation and abilities. All of these ended up impacting us. It seemed as if we were spending more time talking about her problems at night than about our kid…
===== The nanny-parent relationship is an incredibly intimate one, no matter how you try to structure it or approach it. We have had the same nanny for 6.5 years, and while she is absolutely wonderful and my daughters adore her, it can be difficult to have someone who is not, strictly speaking, a member of the family so deeply involved in our lives. Inevitably the parent also becomes deeply involved in the nanny’s personal life, no matter what sort of boundaries you try to establish. I always tell my friends who are expecting and thinking of hiring a nanny to understand that whatever problems she is having in her life will become your problems as well. We have helped our nanny financially (beyond offering her a competitive salary and benefits, of course!), assisted her daughters with college preparation and applications, and done a host of other things for her and her family that go well beyond what is expected in a “normal” employer-employee relationship. My other friends who have nannies all report having similar relationships. When it works, it’s the best possible arrangement. And when it doesn’t…well, I haven’t gotten there yet, and I hope I never do.
===== Funny, my nanny is actually very professional and never volunteers anything about her personal life unless I ask. Aside from giving her a ride when she had car trouble, or giving her occasional time off for a family issue (rare), I don’t feel much of this kind of involvement.
===== Americans don’t know how to deal with servants. I’m not going to use a euphemism; these workers are servants. It’s an honest word. The relationship is complex, but it works best when there are clear rules that are understood by all parties. Employer guilt or ambivalence makes the relationship harder than it should be — for both parties.
===== Our nanny is an incredible older woman who manages our daughter beautifully. She is very circumspect about her personal life and I had to remind her recently that she hasn’t taken her vacation and that, no, we don’t consider days that we give her off b/c of our vacations her vacation days! I truly don’t know what we’d do without her and I’d happily help her out, though I know she’d never ask for it.
===== It helps to remember that you’re likely dealing with an employee population that has a different skill set, personality and experience base than you do. It drives me crazy when our nanny isn’t as organized as I’d like her to be. Then my husband reminds me that I can’t expect her to have the same skill set I expect of my staff at the office. She isn’t very driven, but she has the patience of a saint and is a sweet, loving person. She’s our third nanny. She’s in her 40’s, the other two were in their 20’s. The issues with which they need help are different, but there are still issues with which they need help. I think of it as a sort of informal employee benefit — like an employee assistance program where I’m the sole employee relations contact!
Thoughts? How are YOUR nanny-parent relationships? We want to hear from all nannies and sitters, not just live-ins!
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I have worked in a variety of settings as a nanny (Live-in, full-time, part-time, overnight, etc…).
I have learned that the best nanny jobs (that I’ve had anyway) were the ones where we were able to talk about things at their house and our situations (when they even indirectly impacted their family).
I am an employee until they stop paying me. If I am being until 4pm, but at 4:15, we are still casually talking, then we’re friends. I still socialize with families that I have sat and nannied for in the past. They know they can count on me and I on them if we are ever in a crisis. We also know how to have fun together. My husband and the dad of the last family I nannied for are good friends now and we spend at least one weekend a year at the lake with them…
I think it depends on what the family wants. Some families (and I’ve worked for them) want someone to show up, do their job, and go home without any real personal interaction. While these are okay jobs and you don’t take as much work home with you, it is kind of sad to not hear about how excited they are over the ultrasound of the new baby or of a great new development at the physical therapist or even how happy they are to get to go on vacation where they want..
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
i think nannys should do there job and go home
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
i completely agree with tiffany. i’m their worker when i’m being paid, if i hang around and talk with you afterwards we’re friends. i usually won’t work for someone i can’t be friends with. it just leads to all this complication.
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:25 pm
I am not a servant, I find that term very demeaning. I have been with one of my families 2 1/2 years. I respect their wishes and often do more than they ask. I consider myself close to both parents; I have more interaction with the Dad due to work hours. They are my employer but due to the nature it is more than just that. At my office and retail jobs of the past I was friends with my coworkers and bosses. We are all people not robots. Why should a Nanny be treated any less than any other person. If you expect your children to trat us with respect, they need to see the same from the parents. These kids become very attached to us, not as a replacement but as an addition to a parent. Being a Nanny is more than just a job, If you look at it as only a JOB than you aren’t involved with the kids enough, how can you call kids a job, it takes love, patience and compassion to take care of children. Cassie your 17 yo I hope as you get older you will find out what it means to raise kids. As a week-end sitter yes you do your sitting and leave. A Nanny is much more than a babysitter.
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Please be careful not to criticize other’s opinions here. This is a safe place to express your thoughts, not attack someone else’s.
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I am an 18 year old nanny of 3 wonderful girls and I have a great relationship with their mother. (I do not agree with the word “servant.”) I don’t volunteer information about my personal life unless she asks, which she usually does ask how I’m doing and how my weekend was, etc. I think that until the nanny has been paid and is done for the day, you shouldn’t be overly talkative unless the employer asks.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I’m not overly friendly with any of my employers in general (thank the military training), but I play off the parents. Some of my families tend to be more personal and less professional and some are vice versa. I baby-sit for one family once a week and we always chit chat as they get ready. Another family was more like, “How as your week? Good? Ok, great! We’ll be going here and we’ll be back around this time.” *I smile and nod* A lot of it depends on the nanny and on the families.
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I have been a nanny in many situations(teenager who helped out after I got out of school-live in-nlive out,etc). The parents do set the tone as to what type of relationship the nanny will have with them. All my parents have been cordial. I’ve found that the type of position you have with the family plays a part in how close a relationship you share with them. Occasional positions seem to be less personal whereas if you are going to a family 5 days or several days a week every week the relationships seem more personal. I was a live in once and the family treated me as a member of the family. The child(who was born 2 wks after I started) is now 27yrs old and we still have regular contact. Other families whom I had regular contact with are still a part of my life. If the nanny presents herself/himself and acts in a professional manner and respects the wishes of the parents, it makes(in most cases) for a continuing relationship even after nanny services are no longer needed. These observations are based on 30+ years of providing services to parents and children. Oh, I was never treated as a “servant” by any of my families and don’t particularly like the use of the term as it applies to nannies.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:18 pm
I agree that referring to us as “servants” is hugely demeaning. Parents, remember that we are taking care of your most beloved possessions (or so we assume- not necessarily always the case unfortunately). The better you treat us, the less apt we are to get fed up and/or disgruntled - the last thing I know I would want someone to be around my children (when I have them:). A nanny should always remember that she is an employee and perhaps not offer up TMI, however, isn’t it a family atmosphere that we are all striving for with a nanny-family relationship?
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:41 am
I personally have amazing relationships with all my families I sit for. It makes life easier when you feel you can talk. Perhaps its because I am in addition to being a nanny also an emergency responder (paramedic) and 90% of the families I work for are either military or emergency responders?? We always talk about how everythings going in eachothers lives. I have nothing to hide, and its awesome to feel like I am a part of the families whose kids I watch. All of them checked up on me after I had knee surgery (which prevented me from being able to sit for an extended period of time) and one of the moms even kidnapped me in the middle of the day to take me to lunch/the mall while I was still on crutches.
I feel bad for anyone who doesn’t have as amazing of a relationship with their families as I do
and no, I am not a servent, I am a highly educated individual who happens to love being able to interact with kids and help shape them into good constructive people.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I nanny part-time and that nanny-parent relationship is kind of odd, I don’t always know what to say to the parent and feel bad when the little boy has a first when Im with him instead of his parents (such as counting to ten by himself) or when he picks up things I do, I feel a bit odd about it.
But than I have sat for a family for the past 2 years or so now, and previous to that the dad was actually my boss in the theatre where I worked, which is where I got to know the kids (now 4, 2, 3 mo.) I’ve been with the family since the youngest was an only child atnd I feel part of the family, and they say the same about me and we share equal amounts of personal information, they always know what is going on with me.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I would like to say that women who are nannies are not servants! They are not slaves, either. They are people who are educators and teachers who enjoy teaching our children how to love, how to laugh, how to share, how to think, how to give, how to be fair especially when there is more than one child involved. These people care about their job and what could be more rewarding than teaching the future generation!
Teaching children is one of the biggest responsibilities any parent will have. There are many perceptions about this. We could say that parents are servants catering to their child’s needs, or an owner of a business serving his/her customer’s needs, or our women and men in the military who serve their country. I think the picture is clear here.
Let’s not belittle the position of a loving nanny. In fact, maybe we could give women another title besides being called a, “nanny”. How about “child provider” or “child assistant” just like “physician’s assistant”? Hopefully the word, “nanny” will be put down to rest someday like the wooly mammoths. Babysitting is not appropriate for nannies. They don’t just sit there in front of the children. They work, and work hard at what they do with the child or children whether it’s reading, working with them on computers, helping with homework, making sure their nutritional needs are met, playing a boardgame or any game, entertaining with music (these are things by the way that are done in school), helping children to use their imagination with a good sense of humor, and being a good listener as well! I know because I do these things with children. I bring out the best in them and treat them like little adults.
I am a college educated person studying to be a teacher. I’ve got patience, the loving, the dedication and devotion to be concerned about our children’s education and their future. I can feel proud I am serving in my community helping children become responsible individuals.
Thank you for reading this!
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I think it is beneficial for the family and sitter/nanny to have a little more than a business relationship. If I was the mother I would want to know a little about my sitters social life, career aspirations etc. I would want to know what kind of person is spending a lot of time with my children. I also find that I am more comfortable with families that I have repeatedly babysat for and know a little more about the family. I feel more of a connection with the family, and that helps me enjoy my job even more. I do agree that there is a line to where this personal connection could go too far and its important to know that line.
July 4th, 2008 at 2:40 am
I have been a professional nanny for over 7 years and have been responsible for children from the ages of 0-17yrs. for more than 15yrs. A nanny is and should be a skilled worker. In many situations, I am the one with the greater amount of childcare experience. Most families that I have worked for appreciate this and even pay me accordingly. There have even been many occasions when parents have consulted me when making decisions concerning the care of their children…discipline, potty training, teaching styles, etc. But that is the “type” of nanny that I am. There are babysitters, aupairs, nannies, and then there are professional nannies. Since a professional nanny is a skilled worker, he or she should keep a pleasant and professional relationship with her employers. He or she should even be cautious to set proper emotional boundaries with the children. This can be difficult, but it is usually best for all parties involved. This can sound cold, but believe me its not.
I get paid to be consistant. I get paid to carry out the groove and flow of the family while the parents are away. I am worth every penny. I couldn’t imagine bringing my personal life into my place of work. I couldn’t imagine seeking the assistance of my employer financially or emotionally. The very idea seems so absurd. Here’s to skilled Super Nannies world wide! Keep up the good work.
July 5th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I have been a nanny for about 15 years now and enjoyed almost every minute of it. The families I have worked for have all been great and we have shared a healthy personal relationship. I was a live in for my first family for a year and then continued to work for them for nine years after that. The children are all teenagers now and I haven’t worked for them for a few years but I still get calls about boyfriend problems and what was that dinner you made that we loved and can you come to this party or that. The parents love that we still have a great relationship and encourage it, I think this would not be possible with out getting a little personal from the beginning. I was always treated as a very significant part of their family and so the feeling was mutual and they still are apart of mine.
July 6th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I have been a part-time nanny for a family for about 9 months and I think the nanny-parent relationship mainly depends on the parents. In my situation, the mom is very nice and extremely laid back but is usually more into talking about her children and her family than asking me about my life. She ocassionally will ask me “how was your weekend?” or “how is school going?” etc but mainly she prefers all conversation between us to revolve around the kids, which is perfectly understandable. I feel our relationship is still professional but being a nanny in someone’s home requires that the relationship be more than strictly business. I feel that it is very possible to have a professional relationship with parents while still being able to talk about personal issues between the nanny and the parents.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:21 am
I have been a professional nanny for almost 30 years. Most of the families I worked for were professional or aristocracy. When I decided to move to another job, my families gave me great references. I am still in contact with almost all of my prior employers. The dynamics of the everyday work is that you are not your employers friend. You have a different relationship - it is based on the child/children. If you are doing your job well you will have a great relationship with your employer! If you go out and get drunk - you still have to work and your employer will notice the difference in your demeaner. Remember - the only thing that keeps you in their home is the child/children. I have seen nannies who try to be bffs with parents - it doesn’t work. Do not befriend dad!
nancy
July 8th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
hav2be, I have worked with children for 28+ years and am seeking a Nanny job again.I consider myself edumacated.I have worked for some great and some demeaning families.Personally I don’t have a problem with any parent calling me a servant,albeit a paid servant.Whatever job I work I do my best to best serve the parents,or whomever.However I do object to being called a slave ,forced labor,or a babysitter.(what I did when I was 15.) I hope to be friends/Nanny to a family. Whatever relationship however.the parents want I respect. I agree about not befriending dad alone,thats wise.In all matters stay professional.Heres to all you SuperNannies out there,keep it up.Heather
July 14th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
This is Heather again.My username is hav2be.I don,t want to be anonymous.I have read a lot of helpful information here,Thank You,Heather
July 19th, 2008 at 11:51 am
@cassie1021: WELL SAID!
@cre8vldy: You arent a personal servant but you r a form of a servant. You definitely arent a slave.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
THANX Ihia,Any other helpful hints out there ? I am getting discouraged looking for a Nanny job!I have the experience.What am I doing wrong?Help! It really aggravates me that so many parents never return my messages.I always follow up either way.Thanks,Heather