Dear Genevieve: Is My Nanny the New Mommy?
Dear Genevieve: Let me start off by saying that I really do like my nanny. She is responsible, kind, honest and loves my son. However, he has started crying for her when he’s with ME, and I’m starting to feel like she’s the new mommy! I don’t want to fire her, but I don’t want her to replace me either. I’m just completely lost. What should I do? ~Christine D.; Cleveland, OH
Hi Christine.
SO many moms go through what you’re going through right now, and I’m going to tell you what I tell all of them: Don’t fire your nanny.
Some parents I’ve talked to have considered the “rotating door” policy with nannies, hiring and firing scores of nannies every time the child gets too attached. I don’t recommend that. It’s subconsciously teaching your child not to let his guard down or become attached to anyone in his life, which isn’t good for his emotional growth. Kids need stability and need that comfort so they feel safe exploring the world and its boundaries, so please don’t fire your nanny for providing those things.
The fact that you have a reliable, trustworthy, sincere care provider means that your son is getting fantastic care. You should be proud of yourself that you handpicked such a perfect fit for your family!
That said, here are a few simple things you can do to help feel more connected to your child even when you’re not there:
Call home to say a quick hello. Just because you’re away from your child doesn’t mean that your thoughts are. Let him know that by calling to say hi and send your love. Don’t get crazy with this… no need to call every single time you leave the house. A sporadic call every so often will make the conversation a special, happy surprise.
Create a special ritual that exists only between you and the child. This could be a secret handshake, a certain hug, a silly bedtime phrase — anything, as long as it’s unique. Having that secret, special moment will strengthen the bond between the two of you.
Have the nanny talk about you even while you’re gone. Pre-prepare a snack, lay out your child’s pajamas, buy a special dessert or make some other small gesture, then have the nanny tell your child that “this is the snack Mommy made especially for you,” or “these are the clothes Mommy picked,” or “that is the super special dessert Mommy bought for you since you’ve been so good today.”
Leave little love notes. If the nanny is putting an older child to bed, you can leave a little sticky note on the bathroom mirror for him to find when he goes in to brush his teeth. Or, stick a photo of you and your child in his book to replace his bookmark. Leaving little bits of yourself behind reminds your child of how much you love him whether you’re there or not!
We also have a few articles in our Child Care Library about mommy guilt and missing milestones:
Tackling Mommy Guilt: Our suggestions about the hardest part of returning to work — leaving your little ones and managing your guilt about leaving them behind.
How to Cope with Missing Milestones: A list featuring things you should keep in mind while you’re away from your little one.
It’s a tough stage, but just remember: NO ONE replaces Mom. 
Genevieve
Ask Genevieve your own question.
April 1st, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I think you should include a mothers day out. Have at least on specific day of the month picked out for you and your child to go have fun. That way the child has something to think about as well as looking forward to. A mom is someone you cant ever replace, So not only does it start a tradition it also sets memories for the rest of their life. So dont worry nannys can only do so much before a kid wants the love of their mother.
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:29 am
It would take both hands and a few toes to count the number of times kids have become more attached to me than their moms. All of them were between 1-10 years old and they all dealt with it differently. Genevieve is right in that the worst thing you could do is to fire your nanny (I had one family do this and hire me back within 3 days). There are lots of ways to make your time special with your child. Encourage the nanny to handle more of the menial tasks (I make a point to do this even for babysitting gigs) like washing the dishes and sending laundry through, running the vacuum cleaner. This lessens your “to do” list when you get home so that you can actually spend more quality time with your little one! Pick a routine that only you do with your child. Either the getting up or going to bed works well. This eliminates the “nanny doesn’t do it this way” fight and gives you something special that only you two do together.
Make a book (you can make it on snapfish.com for minimal cost) of photos of you and your child doing things you like to do together. Encourage your nanny to read it often.
If your child is old enough to understand, you can make mailboxes. You leave a message for them and they send a letter back every so often. It doesn’t have to be everyday or it might lose of the specialness. Even 2-3 years olds enjoy this task, and a family of teens I sat for while their parents were gone, thought it was the best idea ever!
Even when your child begs for their nanny, it’s not because they love them more, but usually because they crave the routine and consistency that a nanny provides. I would encourage parents to establish routines while you are at home so that it is more predictable (some surprises are nice).
Another issue we had was one of a difference in discipline styles and the kids just didn’t like how the parents used discipline. Find out what kind of discipline (certain phrases, rewards, consequences) that your nanny uses and try to implement them as well. This will make transitions between caregivers a lot easier!
April 5th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I feel the same way sometimes. I have to send my daughter to daycare during the day and then when she comes home at night I have to go to school. I only get to see her in the morning and right before bed, unless class goes longer in which case she is already sleeping when I get home. I feel like she loves my mother more than me because she sees more of “Bup” than she does of me. I still have my weekends but I wish I could spend more time with her.